Monday, May 21, 2007
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart.
Just you and me
I finally found a comfortable time to write. During work hours in the office.
Gone were the days where I shed tears down my cheeks. Nope, not really. From the coziest niche in the living room, the serenity of my balcony to the warm waters of the pool where I pondered. I cried hard. I am very desperate to get over this period. What's next. Or who is next?
We got to know each other from Fridae in 2003. When we decided to date and meet, we got along very well that we hit it straight into couplehood. He was very loving and was the sweetest guy in my life. He grabbed and swept my heart completely. Whenever we met, I felt the warmth radiated through his hands when I held his with mine. The initial holding-hands we did in public was during a rollerblading outing. He was not a regular blader so I ‘guided’ him along the path at East Coast. I remembered this oncoming girl saw through our 'ploy' and smiled sheepishly at me. Everytime we drove, we held hands too as though if there’s no tomorrow.
Very soon, I was introduced to the Pua family. It was awkward for me and more too for them. I wasn't sure if I should explain my presence then. I always have my manners, was never rude and never wanted to offend nor upset anyone including the two beloved dogs which we grew very fond of. Then comes dinners and meals times together. One time, I got nervous when four of us had home cooked lunch. Just Mother, Father, him and me. I mishandled a porcelain spoon that dropped to the floor and broke to pieces. Thankfully Mummy and Daddy just encouraged me to grab a new one and to continue eating. It was a quiet lunch which leds to many wonderful and memorable ones.
Other times that I missed are the occasional gatherings such as Chinese New Year reunions, birthday parties, barbeques and simple visits to our favourite Big Aunt at Punggol. I had been fortunate as all members were very accepting without approaching the subject of our relationship.
We did many things together. We travelled, watched movies and had dinners with friends. We also had matching attires and accessories to express our close relationship. We had so much fun. At least I know I truly had.
I was very blessed to be able to blend in with all members of the families and different generations. I was even considered as the other son. Once, Aunt Shirley told me to call her Mummy instead, especially so when her friends came over for mahjong or tea. Tears of joy trickled upon hearing that from my 'mother-in-law'. How I wish I had embraced it right away then. Somehow, my lips just can’t get the word out right.
His recent sickness had me visiting him periodically to the local hospital. Being a loving partner, it wasn’t a chore getting his preferred lunches and dinners. Ironing our shirts and pants was a definite chore! I remembered I made a get-well card with a stick-man arms wide open in an embrace pose. I tried to cheer him every time possible. I pictured ourselves much older in age and there was me, taking care of him. I did not remember a sign of gratitude and I didn’t find it necessary then. It was my job.
Those were the times where I guessed he had time to think about his future.
Aunt Shirley had seen it coming. Being my optimistic self, I tried hard to reason every negativity away and took it as a phase that will pass by and through.
One evening, Aunt Shirley cooked a big pot of mouth-watering black pepper crabs. All of us ate at the dinner table. I went slightly teary then thinking of the almost perfect picture. “He got work to do Auntie.” is all I said.
Little that I know that my positivity was of my own and not ours. This ignorant contributed to the fall of our three and a half years of relationship. Difficult as it is for me to forget, I recalled fresh how Aunt Shirley asked worriedly after seeing me putting my clothings aside, “Hey, where are you going?” “You can stay here you know. If he tells you to move out, you tell me and I'll tell him off!”
It was a traumatising scenario for me to come into terms what I had imagined. Knowing that the end was near, it was like an ending chapter of a story. I had so much difficulty accepting but I know that it was happening. The only drive I had was my sanity and work. The only person I can talk to was Auntie Shirley. She tried her very best to help. It was terrible and I was helpless over things and feeling depressed. I can only cry to her evrytime I tried talk to her. He wasn’t there, most of the time. Even if he came back home, I was already asleep. I have my colleagues and friends to thank for being there and supported me morally. Also to my straight friends who constantly hear my rants, which normally goes into deaf ears.
For what I understood, after the 1st year, my love was being reverberated. How can I accept that when we continued doing things together after that. We were together for over 3 years. I guess he was just waiting and holding back till the right time. Every single word that had been said simply evaporated. His word on our future just crushed my heart slowly. Christmas and New Year's Day was spent in my secluded balcony in Tanjong Pagar.
For our supposedly 4th year anniversary last March, I had intended and planned to spend it together in Paris. Paris was one of the country we planned to go. I had always love Europe and would love him to see what I had seen and been. I really wanted to walk in matching suits and kiss at the top of Eiffel tower. I went alone instead. Paris is my 2nd favoured holiday destination now. I also made friends there and as well as in London.
I attended Freddie’s Civil Partnership ceremony in Marlow, UK. It was a heart moving event during the vow exchange ceremony. We would have been there in the front row dear. I tried hard to control my tears then.
Just you and me
I finally found a comfortable time to write. During work hours in the office.
Gone were the days where I shed tears down my cheeks. Nope, not really. From the coziest niche in the living room, the serenity of my balcony to the warm waters of the pool where I pondered. I cried hard. I am very desperate to get over this period. What's next. Or who is next?
We got to know each other from Fridae in 2003. When we decided to date and meet, we got along very well that we hit it straight into couplehood. He was very loving and was the sweetest guy in my life. He grabbed and swept my heart completely. Whenever we met, I felt the warmth radiated through his hands when I held his with mine. The initial holding-hands we did in public was during a rollerblading outing. He was not a regular blader so I ‘guided’ him along the path at East Coast. I remembered this oncoming girl saw through our 'ploy' and smiled sheepishly at me. Everytime we drove, we held hands too as though if there’s no tomorrow.
Very soon, I was introduced to the Pua family. It was awkward for me and more too for them. I wasn't sure if I should explain my presence then. I always have my manners, was never rude and never wanted to offend nor upset anyone including the two beloved dogs which we grew very fond of. Then comes dinners and meals times together. One time, I got nervous when four of us had home cooked lunch. Just Mother, Father, him and me. I mishandled a porcelain spoon that dropped to the floor and broke to pieces. Thankfully Mummy and Daddy just encouraged me to grab a new one and to continue eating. It was a quiet lunch which leds to many wonderful and memorable ones.
Other times that I missed are the occasional gatherings such as Chinese New Year reunions, birthday parties, barbeques and simple visits to our favourite Big Aunt at Punggol. I had been fortunate as all members were very accepting without approaching the subject of our relationship.
We did many things together. We travelled, watched movies and had dinners with friends. We also had matching attires and accessories to express our close relationship. We had so much fun. At least I know I truly had.
I was very blessed to be able to blend in with all members of the families and different generations. I was even considered as the other son. Once, Aunt Shirley told me to call her Mummy instead, especially so when her friends came over for mahjong or tea. Tears of joy trickled upon hearing that from my 'mother-in-law'. How I wish I had embraced it right away then. Somehow, my lips just can’t get the word out right.
His recent sickness had me visiting him periodically to the local hospital. Being a loving partner, it wasn’t a chore getting his preferred lunches and dinners. Ironing our shirts and pants was a definite chore! I remembered I made a get-well card with a stick-man arms wide open in an embrace pose. I tried to cheer him every time possible. I pictured ourselves much older in age and there was me, taking care of him. I did not remember a sign of gratitude and I didn’t find it necessary then. It was my job.
Those were the times where I guessed he had time to think about his future.
Aunt Shirley had seen it coming. Being my optimistic self, I tried hard to reason every negativity away and took it as a phase that will pass by and through.
One evening, Aunt Shirley cooked a big pot of mouth-watering black pepper crabs. All of us ate at the dinner table. I went slightly teary then thinking of the almost perfect picture. “He got work to do Auntie.” is all I said.
Little that I know that my positivity was of my own and not ours. This ignorant contributed to the fall of our three and a half years of relationship. Difficult as it is for me to forget, I recalled fresh how Aunt Shirley asked worriedly after seeing me putting my clothings aside, “Hey, where are you going?” “You can stay here you know. If he tells you to move out, you tell me and I'll tell him off!”
It was a traumatising scenario for me to come into terms what I had imagined. Knowing that the end was near, it was like an ending chapter of a story. I had so much difficulty accepting but I know that it was happening. The only drive I had was my sanity and work. The only person I can talk to was Auntie Shirley. She tried her very best to help. It was terrible and I was helpless over things and feeling depressed. I can only cry to her evrytime I tried talk to her. He wasn’t there, most of the time. Even if he came back home, I was already asleep. I have my colleagues and friends to thank for being there and supported me morally. Also to my straight friends who constantly hear my rants, which normally goes into deaf ears.
For what I understood, after the 1st year, my love was being reverberated. How can I accept that when we continued doing things together after that. We were together for over 3 years. I guess he was just waiting and holding back till the right time. Every single word that had been said simply evaporated. His word on our future just crushed my heart slowly. Christmas and New Year's Day was spent in my secluded balcony in Tanjong Pagar.
For our supposedly 4th year anniversary last March, I had intended and planned to spend it together in Paris. Paris was one of the country we planned to go. I had always love Europe and would love him to see what I had seen and been. I really wanted to walk in matching suits and kiss at the top of Eiffel tower. I went alone instead. Paris is my 2nd favoured holiday destination now. I also made friends there and as well as in London.
I attended Freddie’s Civil Partnership ceremony in Marlow, UK. It was a heart moving event during the vow exchange ceremony. We would have been there in the front row dear. I tried hard to control my tears then.
The word that I'd use to describe how I felt: Devastated as if something died along my heart, my hopes and future crushed.
Knowing that I missed all the things and the people I love. I am starting anew.
spoke at : 11:29